I love this. It's hilarious. Unless you're with Sammy Davis Jr. or Peter Falk, I'm not sure this is the best idea. Might freak your man out if he happens to peek.

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Via the sexy Law Fairy.

[N.B. Go-quiz's code fucks up your template unless you add a </div> tag at the very end.]

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Ever wish you could dress up your favorite stars? What would you do if you were the stylist for celebrities like Johnnie Depp, Amanda Bynes, Camilla Parker-Bowles, Bo Bice, or Nicole Richie, just to pick a few names at random from this awesome site.

Playing with this stuff is like being a little girl again. But I also get to snark at celebrities, which is always adult time fun.

Charlize with red hair and Pat Benatar lipstick/eye shadow? I just click a few boxes and there she is. And she looks awful. Maria Sharapova as a goth? Horrible.

Want to watch manic Angelina on the catwalk? Look in the games section. You can change her clothes instantly as she marches to an unheard soundtrack.

Craziest thing though. Even with access to Jessica Simpson's wardrobe, I still can't find a damn thing to wear.

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Because the hardest part about introducing a new fictional character is that it takes time for the audience to get to know and love him.

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You may remember the great KISS haiku contest of 2005. The winner of that contest was Cameron who used to have a blog called Way Off Base. Now he's blogging with his brother at Woody's Woundup.

Anyways, I once called Cameron "the Mark Russell of the Blogosphere." Of course nobody knows who Mark Russell is, so it's not much of a compliment, if it ever was one. But Cameron is still writing poetry, and I loved his latest one so much that I chose it for this week's selection.

On the Morning of A Day Off, A Little Wind and Rain

An old, missed friend wakes me up, politely
Tapping my window with soft fingers,
Whispering the new stories she has learned.
And IÂ’m all ears, warm under my blanket,
Sitting up with my back against the cool wall,
Listening, trying to find a rhythm
In her words, perpetually relieved
To never discern any noticeable pattern.
It would ruin the instance if I did;
Like hearing a drumbeat put to an aria.

ThereÂ’s no sorrow, no worsted gray buttoned up
Over the colorful promise of her mysteries.
Beneath my closed eyes, her words become
An intimate canvas primed and waiting for
Some improvised brush of . . .
Life, she taps on my window. Laughter. Love.
Each flurry of words brings me
Closer to new than I have been in years.

My windowÂ’s open; she enters on the breeze.
Such a scent she brings, clean and real,
The scent wild things know after the snows melt,
And with her comes the lush green certainty
Of something taking root in me,
Like a seed pushed into readied earth by
Some wise old farmer in the North Forty,
And I imagine that when my friend and I
Meet again in the spring, in a rambling conversation
About wild sprouts and raucous blooms,
IÂ’ll be glad then that I donÂ’t now close my window
Just to avoid her random, friendly kisses.

It doesnÂ’t rain enough in Southern California.

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I fell for a new bum scam today, but it's a good one.

I pulled into a gas station and before I even shut off the engine there appeared next to me a rough looking biker dude on a beat up old v-twin. The engine was clearly smoking. He was unshaven and filthy. He's saying something, so I reluctantly shut off the radio and roll down the window partway. I'm thinking, maybe I should just leave, but I was running on fumes. Plus he'd probably follow me anyway. And damn if I wasn't the only person at the gas station too. Rotten luck.

So I see what he says. He's mumbling something about a gasket. Seems his engine is fucked up somehow and he wants like fifty bucks to go get a gasket. Keep in mind it's about 6:00 pm and all mechanics are closed.

So I give him my standard answer.

"Why don't you call a friend and ask him to come get you?"

That always throws a bum. Very few of them expect that question, this asshole included. But he countered by sticking to the script.

"I just need some help to get a $20 gasket."

Oh, now it's $20! Interesting. But the engine is obviously in trouble. Smoke is coming out from all over.

"I don't see why you don't call a friend or a family member. That's what I'd do," I say again.

"I just need a $20 gasket. I'll take whatever you can spare. C'mon help me out. I know a guy down the street who can put the gasket in for me."

"Dude, I ain't givin' you no fifty bucks. Just park the bike and call a family member to come pick you up."

Now, for just a split second, I sense annoyance flash across his face. Then it's gone, but not without leaving a profound effect on my strategy.

[Insert the part where I curse California and it's stupid CCW laws.]

He responds, "Nobody's gonna come all the way from Riverside to pick me up."

I'm wondering how he made it to Sacramento from Riverside on that smoking hulk, while I discreetly remove two dollars from my wallet.

"Here's two bucks. But I don't know how that's gonna get you anywhere."

Without a word of thanks, he takes the money from my outstretched arm and tears off down the road on the broken bike, which seems to accelerate just fine.

The moral of the story is this: You may catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, but a menacing look can get you two bucks.

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In California, Bush surpasses Carter...

Only 32 percent of registered voters approve of the job Bush is doing, while 62 percent disapprove, according to the statewide Field Poll released Tuesday.

. . .

Carter had a 66 percent disapproval and 33 percent approval rating in July 1980.

Californians' views on the legislative branch were even more negative with 66 percent disapproving of the job Congress is doing and just 24 percent approving.

Anybody wanna go for Fillmore?

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This is uproarious.

The Easter Bunny kicks ass.

Thanks to Zendo Deb for finding that.

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1. How does Al Davis fuck this one up?

2. Who gets Bush?

3. Will Green Bay take a QB or stick with their vacillating, over-the-hill hall-of-famer?

4. How will Al Davis fuck this one up?

5. Where and when does Leinart go?

6. If Houston or the Titans take Young, will he deliver for them?

7. Can anything help the Raiders. Or the Niners for that matter?

8. Can Viera handle both Today and Millionaire?

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In June, last year, I started this whole running sidebar poll about movie assassins and who would kill whom if they had to. I'm calling the latest poll, which was the closest competition so far. You decided that Jason Bourne is more kick-ass than Leon from The Professional by a vote of 53% to 47%. It was neck and neck for quite a while.

Who knew there were so many Leon fans out there? And I thought The Professional was a heartwarming tale about some French dude and his kid. Maybe I should see it again.

Anyways, Jason Bourne advances and the bracket looks like this:

The next matchup is between Nikita of La Femme Nikita and Beatrix Kiddo of Kill Bill Parts 1 and 2. The question, as always, is this: "If Nikita and Beatrix Kiddo were each given orders to kill each other, who would win?"

So what are you waiting for? Scroll down and vote!

Previous updates in this, the blogging equivalent of a massive public works project,* can be found here, and here.
_______________

* Nobody's sure if it's worth the effort, but we've gone too far to call off the damn thing now.

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1 I was going to say that this was stupid, until I read the fine print. In the interest of foolish consistency, I say the Nakita bitch kicks ass.

Posted by: Casca at April 07, 2006 06:56 PM (2gORp)

2 I put in my vote for Beatrix.

Posted by: Amy Bo Bamy at April 08, 2006 07:27 AM (hkopM)

3 Nikita. The original, French, Nikita. or Peta. not Fonda from the American movie re-make.

Posted by: MarkD at April 08, 2006 07:56 AM (X9njN)

4 Fonda (Maggie) lost in the first round.

Posted by: annika at April 08, 2006 08:31 AM (fxTDF)

5 Nikita, no doubt.

Posted by: ccs178 (Chris) at April 10, 2006 09:18 AM (B5UVm)

6 Beatrix. Hmmm, the polls are currently tied at 11-11. It was 6-6 when I voted.

Posted by: reagan80 at April 10, 2006 02:03 PM (K9tdw)

7 PS> Shelly, Vince's passing rating was in the high '80's. Also, he has all the intanglibles. Leadership, decision making, ect. Actually I think Leinhart is the one who will have a little trouble adjusting to the NFL. He doesnt have the natural ability his predecessor Carson Palmer had. He might have trouble adjusting to the speed of the game. When you have a great O line, a pretty damm good defense, and backs like White and Bush to help you, it tends to make you look like a great QB. Now he might BE great, but he might also struggle a lot if he goes to a crappy team, (jets)

Posted by: kyle8 at April 10, 2006 03:12 PM (7TdC2)

8 crap wrong thread

Posted by: kyle8 at April 10, 2006 03:13 PM (7TdC2)

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VDH has been boring for a while now, but today he published a must-read piece at NRO, dealing with the subject of nuclear brinksmanship and "craziness" as a foreign policy tool.

One of my favorite history professors at Cal believed that the Vietnam War could be explained by the theory of "craziness" as a geopolitical device. In other words, our foreign policy led us to demonstrate to our allies and our enemies the extreme lengths we would go to promote our interests around the world. "Why else," he asked, "would we send so many boys to fight and die for a piece of land that had absolutely no strategic value to us?"

Looking beyond the obvious liberal slant to his question, I think my professor recognized a truth of realpolitik. A little unpredictability in foreign policy is a good thing. Recent American administrations have proven this fact. Nobody could have expected presidents Ford through Clinton to do what George W. Bush is doing right now in Iraq. They would not have been willing to withstand the political price of a hugely unpopular war. And one result of that perceived unwillingness is the war we are now in.

So if American power can be wielded by a president, despite intense opposition at home and abroad, for a project with such an uncertain outcome... what won't we do?

Bush's "crazy" foreign policy has breathed new life into JFK's pledge, made forty-five years ago:

Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, to assure the survival and the success of liberty.

The Islamic world lost their Middle Eastern nuclear deterrent with the collapse of the Soviet Union . . . . But with a nuclear Islamic Iran, the mullahs can claim that a new coalition against Israel would not be humiliated — or at least not annihilated when it lost — since the Iranians could always, Soviet-like, threaten to go nuclear. There are surely enough madmen in Arab capitals who imagine that, at last, the combined armies of the Middle East could defeat Israel, with the guarantee that a failed gambit could recede safely back under an Islamic nuclear umbrella.

Lastly, Iran can threaten Israel and U.S. bases at will, in hopes of getting the same sort of attention and blackmail subsidies it will shortly obtain from the Europeans, who likewise are in missile range. All failed states want attention — who, after all, would be talking about North Korea if it didn’t have nukes? So, in terms of national self-interest, it is a wise move on the theocracy’s part to acquire nuclear weapons, especially when there is no India on the border to play a deterrent role to an Iran in the place of Pakistan.

First, they conduct military exercises, showing off novel weapons systems with purportedly exotic capabilities, while threatening to unleash terror against global commerce and the United States. It may be a pathetic and circus-like exercise born of desperation, but the point of such military antics is to show the West there will be some real costs to taking out Iranian nuclear installations.

Second, Iranians simultaneously send out their Westernized diplomats to the U.N. and the international media to sound sober, judicious, and aggrieved — pleading that a victimized Iran only wants peaceful nuclear energy and has been unfairly demonized by an imperialistic United States. The well-spoken professionals usually lay out all sorts of protocols and talking-points, all of which they will eventually subvert — except the vacuous ones which lead nowhere, but nevertheless appeal to useful Western idiots of the stripe that say “Israel has a bomb, so let’s be fair.”

Third, they talk, talk, talk — with the Europeans, Chinese, Russians, Hugo Chavez, anyone and everyone, and as long as possible — in order to draw out the peace-process and buy time in the manner of the Japanese militarists of the late 1930s, who were still jawing about reconciliation on December 7, 1941, in Washington.

During this tripartite approach, the Iranians take three steps forward, then one back, and end up well on their way to acquiring nuclear weapons. Despite all the passive-aggressive noisemaking, they push insidiously onward with development, then pause when they have gone too far, allow some negotiations, then are right back at it. And we know why: nuclear acquisition for Iran is a win-win proposition.

So far the Iranian president has posed as someone 90-percent crazy and 10-percent sane, hoping we would fear his overt madness and delicately appeal to his small reservoirs of reason. But he should understand that if his Western enemies appear 90-percent children of the Enlightenment, they are still effused with vestigial traces of the emotional and unpredictable. And military history shows that the irrational 10 percent of the Western mind is a lot scarier than anything Islamic fanaticism has to offer.

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Sheila is doing National Poetry Month the right way, at The Sheila Variations. Go over there and just keep scrolling. She's posted a few from some of my favorites: O'Hara, Bishop, Dickinson, and Oliver, along with some fantastic poetry that I hadn't been introduced to yet.

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Need A Good Laugh?

Watch Soledad O'Brien go twelve rounds with Cynthia McKinney. The fight was a draw.

I totally love Soledad O'Brien now.

Update: Rep. McKinney's Patton moment.

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From the LA Times:

Online odds makers, are ignoring country rocker Bucky Covington's safely above the top three finish on last week's "American Idol" show and selecting the singer as most likely to see his journey end in tonight's results show. And chanteuse Katherine McPhee, who shocked audiences when she earned the second lowest vote total last week, is nonetheless deemed safe by the gamblers wagering on the show.

Pinnacle Sports, which offers a separate betting line on "Who will be eliminated" lists Covington as the most likely to go at 3.58 to 1 odds, closely followed by heartthrob Ace Smith [sic], who earned last week's third lowest vote tally. Katherine McPhee remains highly favored to win among Pinnacle bettors, trailing favorite Chris Daughtry.

Update: Wild ending. I can reveal it now, since I have no Hawaiian readers, and I'm not sure Kevin watches AI in Korea.

The stunned silence after Mandisa's name was called is something I've never heard on AI before. While this field may not contain the best performers in Idol history, the talent is very evenly matched. So it's really hard to predict who's going next. I think Mandisa went because lots of people assumed she would last 'til the end, and therefore voted for someone else. Plus, she really didn't do that good last night, as Country is not her best genre.

Let me also revise and extend my remarks about Kelly, which I made after the top 24 were picked. I was wrong. I think she may have a shot at the prize, and last night she showed some serious game.

Bucky dodged a bullet, though.

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A bunch of scientists found a weird fish fossil that looks like it might be a transitional species between fish and lizard. Or frog. Or whatever. Between fish and something that crawls or slithers on the land.

When I flew to Europe our plane went over the Hudson Bay. I was amazed at how barren it looked down there. But these scientists were working much farther north than that. In fact, the article says they all carried guns just in case a hungry polar bear came by.

Interestingly, when this fish/lizard was alive, it lived near the equator in the mud of a now non-existent continent called Laurentia. Yeah, 400 million years ago. You gotta love plate tectonics.

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In honor of April Fool's day, lets do something different.

Ever wonder what Vogon poetry really sounds like? Check out Rosie O'Donnell's blog. Here's a particularly bad selection from yesterday:

Journalism

so katie mcphee is linda ederish

yo yo dog
youuuu look sssssexyhottt grrreat job
i hate country music

does kenny rogers think
he looks better this way
alien from planet hollywood
almost didnt recognize him

i will reload the art movie
with a non i tune tune
I TUNES SUCK

i am 1/2 way thru
craig fergusons novel
i triple love it
confederacy of dunces
meets geek love
in a dave eggers universe
buy it

a lot of press
gma tomorrow
and i am done
odd
going in and out
of celebville
with an ez pass

there is much i miss
everything barbra
touring again
thank god
i live in a paralell universe
1 where noone spells write
ross the intern
jays colin

colin was 10
yr one
belted ethel merman
had me at hello

he now works for
R FAMILY VACATIONS
everytime i see his simle
i remember the magic

ryan seacrest just said
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT
to simon cowell

5 am
hair and make up
i am getting too old for this

CNN
there is a scary kid
talking to larry king
about internet porn

journalism in america

the ask ro
is highly addictive

Thanks to Victor, for the suggestion.

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Congratulations to Kiki Couric for moving over to CBS, where she will occupy the celebrated anchor position once held by "the most trusted man in America." As the newest member of the CBS News team, she adds her name to a list that includes some of the greatest names in journalism history. Names like Kuralt, Mudd, Murrow and Sevareid.

And now "Kiki."

Sickening, ain't it?

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Greg has some excellent and extensive hitting advice over at The End Zone.

Throughout my life, I believed I was an excellent hitter in tough situations. I believed my teams were lucky to have me at bat in those situations. I often believed, of everyone on the team, I had the best chance of succeeding against tough pitching in tough situations. I would often be really wanting to win, and I would think "Thank God I'm coming up - my coming to bat really gives us a good chance to win this game," or "My coming to bat is bad luck for those other guys - they are screwed," or "Those other guys have no idea how much trouble they are in with me coming to bat. I'm the last person they want up there - even if they don't know it." Was that true? It doesn't matter if it was true or not! The important thing is to believe it - to have confidence. My father used to say "If you think you cannot, you cannot." He was right about that.

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